This is the point where we’d ordinarily explain what kind of car we’re testing – supercar, luxury saloon, SUV… But it’s difficult to pin down exactly what the C4 Cactus is. It’s the same size as a hatchback, nearly has the ride height of an SUV, looks like a Transformer’s foot, but the manufacturer’s stripped back all the glowing buttons you usually see in a car’s cabin. Oh, and it’s bubble wrapped. Hmm.
Let’s start with the bubble wrap. On the surface, it’s the sort of eye-twirlingly bonkers indulgence that Citroen’s got a bit of form with (see all of the Citroen C6), but the rationale is actually pretty sound. The blisters soak up the sort of low-speed biffs that would dent a metal car, and despite several errant trollies in the Waitrose carpark, our tester survived completely unscathed.
Beyond the blisters, there’s actually quite a lot of less obvious clever stuff going on. For a start, it isn’t a victim of the current chain letter of automotive design, which insists our roads are full of aggressive outlines, massive wheels and tiny tyres. The proportions are comfortable but not cutesy, and stylish without any fussy embellishments or gimmicks.
Then there’s the practical stuff. The outside cues up an interior that’s been thought about with a refreshing amount of freedom. The pop-out rear composite windows, for example – they don’t wind down, and because there’s no mechanism in the way, Citroen’s carved out the door inners so that there’s more room for rear passengers’ elbows. Then there’s the roof – it’s a lightweight, tinted fixed glass sheet, which is lighter than metal. All of these little hacks – and there are hundreds – mean it weighs less than a Ford Fiesta, is the size of a Ford Focus and only needs a lean little 60mpg 1.2-litre engine to shunt it about at a decent pace.
But this is no Golf GTI Clubsport. Everything about it, including the ride and performance, is wilfully soft and squidgy. That’s not to say it’s a car you won’t enjoy using – even with just 110bhp, the performance is surprisingly adequate. Hustling it around the city is its own kind of wallowy fun, too, and you can really feel the lightness when tip it down a country road.
But the word “sporting” wasn’t on the design brief, and it shows. The C4 Cactus is about making life easier not faster. That’s why nearly all the switches have been torn out and integrated into the 7-inch touchscreen - only the volume, window defrost, lock and hazard toggles remain. Everything else can wait.
We’re still not sure how to define the C4 Cactus, but whatever it is it feels like it was born from a proper analysis of use. The result is a neat solution for cheap, family-focused transport that gives you what you need in an interesting, occasionally odd and quintessentially French way. City dwellers: buy one immediately.
From £12,990 via Citroen
