Chris Brown announced on Twitter today that his upcoming album X will probably be his last record.
Don’t worry mainstream America.After this X album, it’ll probably be my last album.
— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) August 6, 2013
There is a surprisingly long list of occupations a guy like Chris Brown (megalomaniacal, violent, likes to dance) could, um, occupy, after a life as a recording artist/lightning-rod for hate/billboard for bad ink. Here they are:
10. Press representative for Anthony Weiner: both are dicks, who like to show theirs. Both tend to have problems with women and the press.
9. Manager, Justin Bieber: it’s been apparent for some time that Biebs is taking his plays from Brown’s book, How to Kill Your Career and Alienate Everyone, but let’s make it official.
8. Sales rep, Big Pharma; Those guys are animals. They’d sell a cancer patient a sugar cube if they held the patent to it.
7. NRA Chairman: Why not? Thugs and rednecks both like guns.
6. City Mayor: From Marion Barry (crack-scandal) to Rob Ford (crack-scandal) and the mayor of Montreal (corruption-scandal), to the, shall we say, handsy (?) mayor of San Diego, if you’re a corrupt lout this is the job for you. And Chris Brown.
5. President of Egypt: We like this one, since he’d probably be exiled or ecuted in 60 days or less.
4. Trophy Wife for Frank Ocean: We thinks Brown doth protest too much. Oh yeah, he hard. Just not that way.
3. Morning Talk Show Host: Ever heard about Brown sharting at the White House? How bad could he be?
2. Goldman ec: We hear the firm is looking for a ethically-questionable d-bag to fill a spot.
1. Third baseman, New York Yankees: Evil Empire, meet your new Darth Vader in pinstripes.